Saturday, December 29, 2007

Feeling Blue

Well here it is. The end of another year. I am so tired but I can't quite quit it just yet. I am so discontent sometimes I wish I could just sleep and dream forever, instead of waking up to the reality that I live. My kids are keeping me motivated but I feel like nothing and it is harder to keep up the front. I guess I am just writing to let it out. I guess I will feel better later. Untill we meet again...

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Time for a Rebirth

I got a temp job and a couple of better jobs on the burner. I pray to God that things work themselves out. I am in a strange place today, I wish I felt stronger--- spiritually. My son graduated middle school into high school today, which is a plus. I am thinking about switching over to wordpress and making an attempt at blogging more often. I feel a strong need to redefine myself.

Thursday, May 31, 2007


Never do Homework without it!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Luvin Lil Wayne

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Today's Panic Attack

Man I can be crazy as fuck sometimes. I sent my 10 year old to the store 3 blocks away and damn near snapped as soon as she left my eyesight. So I hopped in my car raced around the corner to catch up with her. You should have seen the expression on the Asian woman's face when my wild eyed ass rolled up in there. She was fine of course but I was a fuckin wreck.

At her age I was cooking dinner for myself and my sister, going to the store, and all types of stuff. I talk shit about how these kids gotta get out my house by a certain age but whatever. To those that don't know me, I swear to God I don't go crazy of every little thing. Its just when I do I write to get the embarrassment off, you know? The sad thing about it is that I was so completely comfortable with my son going to the store and doing things on his own. He's a boy so I am supposed to worry less, right?? Wrong!! All the shit that can happen to her can happen to him too, its just that girls are subject to so much bullshit. Anyway I gotta give this girl more freedom before I wind up creating the stereotypical needy non-self-reliant woman that I can't stand. Whew that feels better!!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

The Woman, her Pron, and her Drive

I've been reading around a lot lately and this whole debate on pron is really bumming me out. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss. I like pron. Always have. I don't need it or anything but I guess it's the seeing of things/acts that aren't supposed to be seen.
Sex, I have learned, who's fcuking whom, where, when - is one of those hands off kind of subjects. As long as no one is getting hurt.
I think that if you really want to get to know your man, check out what type of pron he likes. It can be quite revealing. For instance, my significant other tends to trade pron a lot with his cousins. Bet you I can tell you which cousin he got it from just by the quality and content of the pron. If it has lots of Latina's you can be sure he got it from his cousin with the Mexican girlfriend. If its really ghetto then he got it from his hood rat lovin cousin (his term not mine). Sad but true. Mine loves the big booty variety. The list goes on and on. I know a little more than I should but for the most part I am dead on about his sources. I'm pretty sure these guys aren't woman haters thinking to themselves whilst choking their chickens "ooooh these Brazilian hotties have no other economical choices than to be objectified by my patriarchal self gratification and capitalistic power of purchase. What a turn on!!" Naw, I think they basically zone in their actress of choice in whatever fave position of choice, fantasize and commence to self abuse. They hide their pron in shame from their women.
This is not to say that I haven't seen some offensive things too. The wonderful thing about pron is just like sex, if you don't like it then don't do it, don't watch it, and for chrissake don't buy it!! I am a very visual person so the pron variety that I like, I buy. Some I share with my man, some I sneak and watch when have time and am alone (which is very few and far in between).

Which brings me to the subject of drive... I get accused of being a nypho cause I can be a horn dog sometimes. Sometimes I guess my drive can be described as masculine. When I like what I see, I speak up on it. Sometimes my man can walk by and I will notice what first attracted me to him and I still get heart flutters and a little flushed. I can't tell him that though. He says I am objectifying him and he doesn't quite know how to handle it. Mind you we've been together for 8 years going on 9 this summer. I say hey equal opportunity sexual exploitation, deal with it. He loves when I dress sexy, loves to see the hungry stares from other men looking in my direction, loves to shoot those appreciative looks of desire my way himself. But since I am born woman, it feels uncomfortable for me to do the same.

Exposed tits in a movie? Man I almost cried real tears when Hallie Berry showed hers in Swordfish. He says beautiful. Penises on film -- gross. Anybody seen that man meat in Any Given Sunday??? Football players naked yum. Or how's about giving Terrance Howard a round of applause for displaying his hidden attributes in Get Rich or Die Trying???? First sex symbol actor dick I ever saw exposed in my little life. Lets move forward Americans and show me your money maker!!! LOL!! I kid a little but seriously whats all the mystery around the dick? I say lets even it out a little so that we can all relax and appreciate the relief fantasy gives without the god damn guilt trips. Quit selling this Lifetime soap opera sex bullshit to our little girls. It is not that pretty, clean, or painless. Sex can be confusing, painful, ugly(I am scared to think what my fuck face looks like), definitely dirty (in a good way). I think more women should objectify their men. Even it up a bit. I just can't take all the sad stories about pron though. Its starting to fuck with me. I don't want be thinking about how the patriarchy has brainwashed me into thinking that I think this mans impressively thick penis is hot because that is the way they want me to think or that lipstick dykes are sexy when they kiss. When I am in the mood for sex and all its trappings - I must tell you - my feminism goes straight out the door.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


You can't say I am not thorough. When I do well, I excel. When I screw up, I fuck up in the most superb fashion.

Ok... Here's the problem..

A few years ago, I took responsibility for a crime to keep someone else out of jail. I know, I know, stupid right? Misdemeanor offense, non-violent, no stealing or nothing but serious enough that it gives me the willies just thinking about it. Well now every time I look for a job, apartment, whatever that shit bites me in the ass. Awwww man, its almost traumatizing, looking for work. You know when you get to the part on the application where it asks " Do you have any felonies or misdemeanors in the past 7 years?" -- its at this point where you have to decide whether or not to lie. Do they check it?? If they do you are out of a job, you've lost all credibility. If you answer honestly, you are out of a job before you even get a face to face. The reasons your application is denied are colorful and varied but the bottom line is why even consider a person with a mar on their record when there are so many people looking for work?

So this conundrum got me to thinking.... How the fuck does real criminal who wants to change their life find a job?? If you commit a crime how long are you supposed to pay for your sins. You fuck up, you pay a fine, serve a sentence and then set out into the world to compensate for the time you lost and pull together some semblance of a life. How do you support yourself?? How tempting the return to crime must be?!! How many times has crime become a necessary function of survival even knowing what the consequences are?

I really want to work. I never expected, wanted, accepted a handout from nobody. I invest my time, dedicate myself, and as I said, excel in what I do. Here's to fighting this long uphill battle.

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